


Talking to The Moon

by KidHades



Category: Original Work
Genre: BDSM, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jax's bf rlly do be a masochist, Like Really Fucking Sad, M/M, Shit Gets Sad, but also if ur just findind this a thirteen year old kills himself so like, fuckin gross, im an unreliable author im sorry for time inconsistencies, its not even a 'squint to see' its like right there in front of your face at the end im sorry lol, then at the end its a little uhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:53:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25898497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KidHades/pseuds/KidHades
Summary: It's been about Six years since Jax's son, Helios took his own life. Jax goes on a balcony to reflect, and maybe get some closure.
Relationships: Original Male Character/ Original Male Character





	Talking to The Moon

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry for this, also the character Kurux who is referenced belongs to my friend Rowan!!   
> but like, this is what Adhd does

Jax leaned against his balcony awkwardly, staring at the night sky. The moon's light bathed all his features in softness, and highlighted the blonde of his hair. He would fidget his hands, trying to ignore the aggressive rate tears happened to drip off his face. "S--so." He'd begin to speak,hesitantly. [God, why am i doing this? there's no point.] He shrugged the thought out of his head and continued. "It's been some...time since i tried this. I know you can't hear me,and you probably wouldn't care if you did." He'd dismiss himself shakily,but something in him told him to keep talking.

"I know that when you...left. We weren't on good terms. You hated me,and I was a crappy dad who left you with your...mom. You were really angry at the world, and at me. The first time we met you had punched me until you couldn't anymore." Jax could still remember the antagonized look on Helios' face, how he gritted his teeth. "And even though i tried my best to take care of you when you came to me,you still..." he'd start to sniffle. "fuck,i know. if you were here you'd call me a pussy or something. you were always so angry at me. so much rage for a kid." 

When memories and glimpses of his son filled his brain,he couldn't choke back the sobs that racked his body. Even the rare happy ones they had. "Even when you were happiest around me,you still looked so sad. i wish that i could have done more for you." He'd hiccup.

"My... my therapist said that trying to talk to you like this again would do me good. give me solace. but i don't think it is. You'd be proud of me though. I left Kurux. It was really difficult at first, because i couldn't just use him to distract myself from thinking about when-" he'd shudder,remembering a sight he could truly never forget.

"You were only thirteen, Helios. Thirteen years into an everlasting life,and it was cut short. You know,everyone kept telling me it wasn't my fault. That your mother just had that effect on people." He would stop to spare a thought about her. "She'd like to think it was my fault,for not staying with her and letting her slowly kill me. But i think the only reason it's my fault is because i didn't take you away soon enough." He paused, glancing at the dim lit world below his balcony.

"Tonight reminds me of when I last saw you alive. You'd been acting weird all day,and then you just yelled at me,told me how much you hated me,and how much-- how much you hated yourself,and how you hated look---looking like me." He'd hiccup. "Fuck, you'd looked so tired,i was surprised when you punched me. hadn't expected you to knock me down like that."

Jax thought about it more; one of the things he had said to him before in passing. "I'm sorry,if i had realized they would've treated you worse they did me,i would have taken you in a heartbeat. No one should've been looking at you like they did. I remember when I had admitted to you in Family counseling what your mother's family had done to me in the century I spent with her before your birth." He could also remember the sick smirk on Helios's face. "I remember wanting to cry even more when you'd said you were surprised that they didn't just throw me away after twelve years like they did with you."

"The way you laughed after,detailing the ways they spoke to you,the cousins you had to damn near murder,just to remain untouched,the way your mother finally stopped lying to you,and said she wanted you gone,and forced my family to give you over to me. I know you hate it when i talk about what you did after laughing,but when you started crying and screaming that it was my fault that neither of us were normal,that we'd both be better off dead." He was starting to cry again.

He could remember the counselor restraining Helios from launching at him, the screaming teenager trying to swipe at him,until he overpowered the counselor. "When you got free, the Counselor was quick to call authorities. I remember you yelling that they wouldn't be here fast enough to stop you,when you had pulled that Switchblade on me. The purple one. it was your favorite one,wasn't it? the only thing i'd ever got you that you liked. and you liked using it against me especially. They wouldn't let me have you buried with it,at first." He'd chuckle.

"But yeah, I finally healed up in my thigh,you know. I won't lie,I was impressed with the force in the stab. I remember the situation escalating worse because we both started laughing. You started because I did,and all I could think was how glad I was you liked the knife because you then got mad that you got blood on it." He'd reminisce.

Jax paused to think again. "You would've been nineteen today. You'd always told me that you once you were nineteen,and taller than me,that you would kill me. you'd always say a new way. 'Dad, when I'm Nineteen,I'll drown you in poison. I'll burn you to ashes after, and no one would miss you. then i'll have you turned into stones, to put on a knife.' or 'I'll tell Gamal that you're a pureblood,and he'll burn you till your remains are no longer.' I think your favorite thing was just the idea of me burning away,like some infection. " He'd yawn shakily,looking back up at the moon. 

"I still can't believe you were in enough pain to not make good on your promise. You hated yourself so much that you'd break your promise so that the officers had to lead me to your corpse with your favorite knife in your heart. I still don't know how you did it. Malliks don't just bleed out,and our hearts aren't very important anyways. But maybe that was your point. You always said that you didn't feel like one of us. Maybe it wasn't in your heart. Maybe i didn't try hard enough."

Jax looked at the moon intensely. "I opened your box today. The box you prepared a week before you killed yourself. The pretty box with the stars." He'd nod. "You had really pretty writing. And you were pretty good at it too. I remember watching you aggressively ripping page after page from notebooks you kept over time,putting them in. When i had asked you, you'd said I'd know when you'd die. i remember thinking you were just fucking with me. With the sly grin you had on your face. Was it a joke to you? Was this your last act against me? Maybe you have that written in there. i haven't gotten that far yet." He'd turn to look into his room,where the box sat on his bed.

"You said you were sure you'd be going to Hell. That you would be reborn a demon there,and that you would be happier. Thats a little fucking twisted though. that you wanted to go. Or maybe you just knew,and accepted it." He'd recall that there was an argument on the type of funeral Helios would have.

"Both families fought for some time over details of your funeral. Your mother's father kept demanding it be public,and that it should be monetized, Chione, your Grandmother,your Abba, bless her soul,the rage in her little face. She loved you so much,that when he even tried for input, she lost her mind." Jax smiled softly. "I remember how when she met you,she was so excited,she wouldn't let you go. I remember you were so comfortable,and you felt so safe, that you weren't upset for once. you looked so calm,so happy."

Jax would frown again. "She was the last person you talked to,right? You told her that you were sorry. That it just hurt. She was so confused, that she didn't know why her little bird was apologizing. You made her stay on the phone with you while you bled out,didn't you? You just kept apologizing,and saying that you hated it here. She said that--when she asked where you were,you wouldn't tell her. She called the Authorities before she called me. You know that they wouldn't let me see you at first. They were sure you hadn't done this yourself. Your Abba, she had to drag me over herself."

"I remember the look on your face, you know. Your eyebags had been so prominent that day. I went numb at the sight. You'd always been so tired looking, but you're finally getting that sleep,huh?" He'd ask. He could almost hear the shout of 'Shut the fuck up!' and could almost feel the phantom of something hitting him in the face.

"They only recently closed your case. One of the Officers still calls to check on me. You would have loved her. She was all tough love,but she would tell me how she'd never had a case like this in all her time. She had stayed on the case this whole time,all six years. She didn't think I killed you,so she didn't trust anyone else to take the case for her. She said some of the people on her force were prone to trying to provoke people for evidence,or even planting it. The third officer to work on the case with her beat the shit out of me one time when she wasn't there for half an hour." He'd put a hand over his own heart.

"He'd stabbed me here,asking if it felt good to be on the receiving end of it. If I'd had enough yet. for the first time in four years i had cried, you know." He'd state. "I told him that I wish I could just die already. that it would end. He looked so traumatized. He'd been so angry for you. He must've felt like you did,and just needed an outlet." Jax could remember the wide fearful eyes of the young man. "When Miss Peggy,the lady officer came into the room,he and I were covered in my blood and we were both sobbing. He was taken off the case after that."

Jax would turn,and start to walk into his room. Helios sat in one of his chairs casually. He no longer bled but each scratch,stab,and slice remained,like he hadn't been stitched up. Jax knew he wasn't actually there, but he could care less. " The replacement was tall,and thin. He had this ugly dull hair that he kept back in a ponytail. His eyes were always so cold and dead,and he had worse eyebags than you did. They looked bruised." 

Jax could also remember other things about the man. "He had these yellow,slightly crooked teeth. One of the creepiest looking men I'd ever met. Was always real quiet. Miss Peggy would bring him along with us on our brunches, saying that he was just shy. Whenever she'd leave, He'd talk. He was very withdrawn ,but otherwise, he was...kind of interesting. Miss Peggy had him taken off the case,she never told me why. But i met up with him again recently,and found out why. She'd found out he'd taken an unprofessional interest in me." He'd suggest with a tired smirk.

"I mean, I already knew that though. When he was taken off the case,he came to my house one day, to talk. It was more than that. He was packing." He'd joke. The image of Helios rolling his bloodshot eyes came to mind when looking at the empty chair. "i kept him around after i left Kurux. I was..cruel to him though. He looked too much like him,and I took it out on him. I think the weird part is how he acted like I used to; willing,and eager for the attention. When I finally moved here permanently,he'd come and stay with me on his holidays,and breaks. Even though i hit him,told him i wanted to kill him,and that he was only good for one thing,he stayed." Jax recalled,looking to the side of his bed.

"You know what he said when i asked him why? Why did he stay,when all i did was hurt,mock,and belittle him?" Jax finally sat himself down on his bed, staring at the very noticeable body in it. "He said that it made him feel good. That he enjoyed the constant attacks on him. That i was 'so good and so pretty. so merciless,and ready to tear him apart.'." He'd lean down,playing with one of the ugly strands of hair. "His name always seems to escape me, but I've never used it anyways. it makes him cry when i do." He'd twirl the soft strand in his fingers.

Jax paused, thinking about the conversation more clearly. "You know, when i asked him,he was prepared to answer. He smiled his crooked smile, kneeling in front of me when I had turned to face him from my vanity. He wanted to devote himself to me entirely. Said he'd never felt any more alive than when I, his 'God' would talk down on him. At first I was disgusted,and i remember telling him how fucking disgusting he was for it. That he should hate me. that he was wrong. of course, as you can see, i had a change of heart." He'd stop talking for some time,to take a look at the man in his bed.

Pulling the covers away revealed the man to be blindfolded, with earplugs. There was a rag tightly tied like a gag in the man's mouth. His arms were bound behind his back,and he was very much still conscious. His entire body was covered in bruises,and cuts. some old,some new. His breathing ran ragged,and occasionally, his body ran full tremors. There were wires running down further than Jax had revealed,but he didn't need to peek to know what was happening. Instead,he'd go to the end of a red wire,and scroll higher on its power wheel. He could hear a low hum now,and the man attached to it jolted,crying out from the gag.

" As i was saying before, he had changed my mind. He had crawled to get closer,and rest his head on my thigh. He said he wanted to make me feel better than I made him. And well, you know." He could remember that night vividly. Eyes rolled into his skull practically,one hand in the man's hair,while the other's hands were occupied with his thighs. He snapped out of the visual,with a little cough. 

"Aside from my little escapade here, it's empty. And I should go. I'll try talking with you again tomorrow night. I hope we can patch this all up." Jax would say softly,carefully picking up the closed box,and transporting it to the desk by where Helios' mirage sat. Once set down, the after image of his son escaped him. He found himself tired, but in need of fresh air. He felt no closure,but he felt slightly at ease.


End file.
